Family Quarrel

Nels is outside the mercantile, palling around with an enormous dog.

His first mistake is going inside, where Harriet is complaining about the new hunting dog, and the mess Nels left, and his stinking fishing gear. Jeez - anything else? She continues griping in the store room, while Nels uses his moment of solitude to throw back a little booze.

But Harriet's onto him and his sly cough syrup drinking. It's demon rum. Yeah, and it's about to turn Nels into a demon. Stay tuned! Ma Ingalls comes in to sell eggs. OMG, always with the drama surrounding the egg sale.

Harriet says the eggs aren't as good and won't fetch top rate. Nels says that the eggs are OK. But it doesn't end there. Harriet wants to be left to judge the eggs.

Nels: "Judge? You're not the judge of anything. You want to know what you are? I'm going to tell you what you are. You are a mean, nasty-tempered woman. It would be better off for this whole town if you were locked up in a cage and fed with a stick. You have made life miserable for- "

Harriet finally interrupts.

Dude, how else did you think this was gonna end?

And Ma is still standing right there! Awk-ward! Nels pays her for the eggs, and she leaves .

Back at the little house, Ma describes the whole terrible scene to Pa. Pa loves it and is pretty much dying doing the weeze laugh.

Later on at the Oleson's, Nels and Harriet are 12 feet away from each other trying desperately to ignore the other. Nels decides to make peace, but bungles it by saying that everything he said was true, just not very nice, and that Harriet loves nagging. Loves it!

Harriet: "You are a cheap excuse for a man. You are a lazy and cowardly and snivelling stubborn jackass!"

Yow!

That night Ma's guilt over inadvertently causing the Oleson's quarrel goes waaayyy outta control. She wants to invite Nellie and Willie over for a few days. It's winter. Are ya gonna make them sleep in the hayloft, like you do your other guests? And seriously, Nellie and Willie? You don't want them around. Trust me.

The next morning, Mary and Laura (in my favourite hats!!) spot Nels leaving the mercantile with his dog and all of his worldly possessions, and renting a room at the post office/hotel.

They run home to tell Ma and Pa. Poor sensitive Ma can't stand the thought of a family broken apart like that. What a phony. She probably loves it.

Nels reports for work to find a line-up of busybodies and gawkers waiting for the mercantile to open. Cripes, people, get a life. There's like 15 Walnut Grove nobodies crammed into the mercantile, just waiting for the next blow up.

Pa follows Nels to the back room, where Nels confides, "I'm a clown, Charles". Sorry, Nels, but that is not news. If you are only becoming aware of this now, then you should probably have Doc Baker check to see if you've had a pulse during the last 15 episodes.

Ma offers to take the kids from Harriet for a few days. Harriet is flustered and almost breaks down, but rushes away to help Mrs. Foster in the ribbons and trims section.

Sunday at church, Nels and Harriet sit pretty much as far away from each other as they can. Nels is sitting with Hansen, for jeez sake! That's kinda immature. Think of what you're doing to your kids.

Naturally, Reverend Alden butts wayyy the hell in. He recites some wedding garbage, and implores that Harriet remember her vows. Harriet wants no less than a public apology, but Nels is all: "No dice."

Doc Baker thinks that his job includes healing broken marriages for some reason. He starts bugging Lars Hansen. This is priceless. No one cares about losing something that no one else wants. There needs to be a threat of someone stealing Harriet away to make Nels react.

Hansen listens to Doc Baker's plan... and then tries to run away. Doc Baker outlines a future where Hansen's mill goes under when the Olesons close the mercantile and move and the town collapses.

The Doc and Hansen (complete with suit, hat, and flowers) walk toward the mercantile. Hansen is clearly uncomfortable with this plan of pretending to be attracted to Harriet Oleson. He tries to escape once more, but Doc Baker manages to get him inside the mercantile, then skips merrily away. I wonder what the hell Doc Baker was supposed to be on during some of these episodes. He's friggin' bizarre at times.

Ma is somehow in the mercantile AGAIN when Hansen arrives, so luckily we get to hear what happened firsthand as she tells Pa. Harriet was so shocked by the cheek of Hansen that she dumped a scoop of flour on him. Now she's taking the children and going back East... for good!!

The next morning, Mary and Laura meet Nellie and Willie on the way to school. Nellie confirms that they will be moving east with their mother, and says that she will write to Mary and Laura, her only friends. Laura "supposes" she will write back. Yeah, I'm not that confident in her pen pal abilities.

Ma is preparing for her last visit with Harriet. Oddly, she is sad. Pa has one last meddlin' plan though.

As Ma helps Harriet pack, she starts ragging on Nels... hardcore. Not only is he "not an ideal husband", he's lazy. Messy. Bad at business. A bad father. How much further can Ma take this before Harriet intervenes? Disreputable.

That's the one. Harriet starts defending Nels and reflecting on his good qualities.

Outside, Pa plays the same game with Nels. Nels is quicker to come to Harriet's defense, and even gets to the point where he's dissin' himself.

Pa looks real smug when Nels runs off toward to mercantile. Come on, Pa. We know that always having the answer is just all in a day's work for you.

Nels and Harriet reunite, and Ma slips quietly out of the mercantile.

An unspecified amount of time later, Ma is back at the merc selling eggs. ZOMG, how many times? Harriet butts in on Nels's egg dealing, while Ma does a major teeth-grit. It's so extreme that Harriet is insulting Nels's handwriting - but he won penmanship awards, I'll have you know!!! Ma leaves quietly, again. A crash sounds from inside the shop, and the large dog runs out and away, probably never to be seen again.

TV Time '79

I present: TV Time '79.

Once upon a time this book lived in my grade 4 classroom, and, being Little House obsessed, I looked at it all the time. One day I asked my teacher if she would photocopy the Little House pictures for me. In 1994, a book about 1979 television programming was of little interest to most 10-year-olds, so she said I could just take it.

(click the pages to make them bigger, if you wanna)

Christmas At Plum Creek (Season 1, Episode 15)

Laura has a pony, which for some reason she's allowing Nellie Oleson to ride. Now I don't have a mortal enemy (or a horse), but that whole scenario seems kinda loopy.

And, uh, speaking of "loopy"...

What kind of hat is that?? I do all sorts of yarncraft, and I've never even seen it suggested that anyone wear anything like that on one's head.

And look, it has a giant crazy medallion-shaped bow fastener on it! What the hell is the deal with this hat? It's an ideal example of the "old lady/doily/cake-on-the-head" hat. Well, I've gotta stop fixating on Laura's cold weather accessories and get on with the episode, I guess. But it won't be easy... I can't get over that damn hat!

Nellie wants the pony. She starts in on Nels to buy it for her, but Laura says it's not for sale. Nellie heckles Laura because she doesn't even have a saddle.That doesn't last long though, because Nels manhandles Nellie to get inside the mercantile, and then continues hanging festive construction paper chains.

I gotta say: I really like Nels's outfit here. The rarely seen ensemble of "three piece suit + apron", for that extra touch of holiday class.

Back at the little house, Pa explains Christmas to Carrie. You know, the star and Jesus in the manger and all that.

Later that night, Laura and Mary are in bed counting their savings.

They can't think of anything special to get for Ma and Pa this Christmas, their first one in the little house at Plum Creek. But one thing is sure: the amount of money they've got to work with ain't gonna do it.

Downstairs (oy - down...ladder??) Pa is counting his secret stash of coins hidden in his fiddle case, and Ma sneaks a peek into her hiding spot in the baking soda can (or something).

The next day while doing laundry, Mary asks Ma what Pa would like for Christmas. Ma says something special would have to be homemade. My first thought is: "Naw, that sucks", but Mary is struck with inspiration.

The Ingalls family takes a trip to the mercantile, which is totally decked out holiday-style.

See? Mary has one of those stinkin' hats, too. OMG. It's too distracting. I can't focus.

The Ingallses slink around the mercantile like a family of spies, each one trying to get an idea of what everyone else is interested in. Mary checks out the yardgoods - plain and fancy. Ma prefers the woodstove. But it's $7.87. Way too much... waaaaay too much. And who doesn't remember Carrie loving the Jesus star?

Ma goes over and starts handling the same yardgoods that Mary just looked at, a masculine plaid print. Uh oh, I don't like where this is going. BACK OFF, MA! For your own good!!!!

Mary and Laura go wait outside while Ma and Pa finish up. And one more hat shot. I love how Mary's is all sticking up like some kind of two-tone wintertime mane.

Inside, Pa and Nels make a deal that Pa will become a wheelwright and build four wagon wheels for Nels to make some extra Christmas money.

I guess the next day, Mary comes in after school and wants to play a guessing game with Ma. Ma despises guessing games, and shuts Mary's "I bet you can't guess" down with a quick: "You're right, dear, I can't." Pa comes in, and Mary asks permission to go work with Mrs. Whipple, the seamstress. "I sewed her I can show!"

The next day, Laura wants to ride Bunny into town while the rest of the family goes in the buggy. Pa asks if she's doing it to make Nellie Oleson jealous. Well, that's not the only reason. Pa decides that no commandments are being broken, so Laura can go for it. Yeah, forcing someone else to covet isn't nice, but it isn't illegal.

In town, Mary takes off to Mrs. Whipple's to start working. The Whipp has a man-sized shirt on her dressmaker's mannequin. It's going to be Pa's Christmas gift from Mary.

Meanwhile, Ma goes into the mercantile first, alone, to buy the yardgoods to make a shirt for Pa. She chooses the identical fabric that Mary is already using, natch. What a disaster.

Laura goes into the mercantile next, and whispers a deal to Nels.

It's time for the obligatory montage of everyone doing their Christmas thang. Ma works on Pa's shirt, Mary works on Pa's other shirt, Pa makes wheels, and Laura casts on some knitting.

If Laura's, like, 7 and can do decent looking stuff like this, then who the hell was responsible for those hats? It's not like there's some out-of-style grandparent or aunt giving them hideous clothing every holiday.

Meanwhile, Carrie has found a penny among her possessions, so Laura takes her to the mercantile to spend it. Nels is practicing good customer service in the flannel shirt department with Mrs. Foster when the girls arrive. He leaves Mrs. F alone for 2 seconds to help Carrie, and Mrs. F takes off saying she can find better stuff in Mankato.

Soon after, Pa delivers the wheels to Nels. Man, he can't even get a second of relief from this family. Pa wants to put his wheel money toward the woodstove. Aha, but Pa wasn't the only Ingalls who noticed Ma had been admiring it. Nels hedges. He says it's sold. He desperately tries to sell Pa something, anything. An imported clock. A knickknack stand. That would set off the house real well. Yeah... no.

Pa rips the picture of the stove right out of the catalogue, so he can put it on the tree.

Suddenly, Pa is on snowshoes in a snowy field with his gun. This snow looks pretty legit. Not like the massive snowfall in that blizzard episode where Miss Beadle sends all those kids out early to their untimely deaths. Or like 90% of all the snow on Little House on the Prairie, which usually looks fake as hell. I've got some magazine-type books from the 70s and apparently the worst thing about being an actor on this show was wearing the wardrobe in the California heat. And, like, pretending it was winter while your face was melting off.

Pa makes it back from his hunting trip with a fine Christmas turkey.

The girls dance while Pa fiddles until they're interrupted by a Christmas delivery from Nels Oleson. Of course, Pa thinks the giant box is the stove (yes) that he ordered (no).

On Christmas morning, everyone opens presents. Pa opens the scarf Laura knitted. There's gingerbread for Jack from Santa. Mary got a fur capelet. Carrie has a new beaded necklace. Mary pre-threatens Pa as he's about to open her gift: "You better like it because I made it."

Pa holds up his shirt, and Ma incredulously checks under the tree to see if her gift to Pa is still there. Two matching shirts? It can't be. Ma secretly takes her parcel and hides it.

Now, the famous Gift of the Magi scene. Pa made Laura a saddle. But... she's sold her horse to Oleson for money to get the stove for Ma. God, it just makes you want to die. Laura hugs Pa with tears in her eyes and the whole family is still none the wiser about what she's done.

Ma can't wait any longer, and starts busting into the giant box with a hammer.

"Oh! It's a stove!" From Laura??

Right then, the Olesons show up to collect Bunny, the horse. Um, shock to Ma and Pa. Ma is devastated that Laura sold her beloved animal just to buy a Christmas gift. Laura tearfully hands over the pony, then goes back inside where she tells Pa she's so sorry about all the work he did on the saddle.

There's one gift left for Pa to open. It's the star that Carrie bought. They put it on top of the tree. "Happy birthday, baby Jesus!"

The Lord Is My Shepherd, Part 2 (Season 1, Episode 14)

The little house is dark and quiet, except for Laura writing a letter. She had mean thoughts that caused or contributed to little Freddie's death, but she knows how to make it better. After placing her note on the mantel and petting Jack, Laura leaves the house.

In the morning, Pa wakes Ma with: "It's Monday and I'm starving!" She's probably still grieving, because wasn't the little guy's funeral, like, yesterday? So you *may* wanna lay off. Just sayin'. But we know Charles Ingalls is never gonna lay off, and I'm never gonna really get angry about it. Damn your handsome face, Pa Ingalls!

The family thinks Laura is outside doing chores until Ma spots the note.

Pa questions the "mean thoughts" part of the letter, but luckily they still have Mary around to cry and tattle.

Ever notice how Pa always seems to viciously interrogate Mary? It happened in the Mr. Edward's Homecoming episode: "What did you LEARN IN SUNDAY SCHOOL??" And The Racoon. Mary did an identical cry when the raccoon bit Jack (and Laura). Mary lets it all out about how Laura felt like the new baby was taking her place as Pa's favourite.

In town, Pa borrows a horse from Hans Dorfler. What the hell was wrong with his own horses? Unless he just doesn't want Edwards's lard body taking a ride. Or else he knows in advance that the horses are gonna be climbing a mountain like no mountain the prairies have ever seen...

Pa and Edwards take off, traveling through field and fountain, moor and mountain looking for Laura.

Meanwhile, Laura has spotted the spot that is the closest to God.




After Laura climbs up the mountain, she outlines her deal to God. God had a son, maybe he wants a girl, too. Laura will go be with Him, and Freddie can come back to be with Pa. She covers herself with her coat, and lays down to wait for God's answer.

She is soon disturbed by the voice of Jonathan.


Jonathan starts talking about his generically referenced friend, Him. Laura figures out eventually that he's talking about God. Jonathan knows God. OMG.

Pa and Edwards keep looking. Jonathan makes an engraved cross for Laura.

After that, Jonathan is oddly eager for Laura to take a bath. I'm sure it's meant innocently, but the whole ear-scrubbing thing made me uncomfortable when I was 10, and it makes me uncomfortable now. "Rub 'em! Yeah, rub 'em! Rub 'em HARD!"

Laura rubs a little too vigorously, I guess, because her cross necklace comes off and floats down the river. She starts freaking out, but Jonathan knows the art of child distraction and gives her a hurt bird to take care of.

Pa and Edwards have returned to the little house to get provisions for an overnight search. Carrie asks if Laura went away with her brother. Ma runs from the room in tears... to the other room 4.5 feet away.

At night, Laura tells Jonathan that she wants to switch places with her dead brother, and she is seriously ready to die. . He tells her that everyone has mean thoughts. Laura says: "Not my ma and pa." Say what?

Ma has certainly had mean thoughts about Mrs. Oleson, probably daily. And Mr. Oleson, when she thought he was ripping Mary off. And she constantly hates Mr. Edwards.

And PA! Pa was pretty mean about Johnny Johnson's interest in Mary. And that was verbal! I don't even wanna know what else he was thinking! What about Pa and the guy who repo'd the oxen? Or Pa and, like, EVERYONE in Walnut Grove because of the church bell? Pa was definitely thinking mean shit about all of those jerks. Oh, and Olga's dad who wouldn't let Pa fix her shoe, so Pa fought him... jeez, Laura, don't be so naive. Your parents get diabolically angry ALL THE FRIGGIN' TIME.

Pa and Edwards are still looking. Pa stops to fill the canteens and Laura's missing cross washes up at his feet.

Upon realizing what he's holding, Pa yells: "EDWARDS!" at top volume times a million, even though Edwards is only 7 steps away.

Laura thinks God has forsaken her and that she needs to go higher to get even closer to God. Jonathan suggests building a bonfire. God's not gonna be able to miss it when the entire mountain turns into what Smokey the Bear has been warning everyone about.

The smoke catches Edwards's attention, and they take off toward the mountain.


The horses make REALLY good time. Friggin' 'roid horses or something. I guess Hans Dorfler is the go-to guy for stuff like that. It's still daylight when they reach Laura, who is praying on a rock cliff. She spots them before they see her, and she runs away to hide. She wants an answer from God before Pa finds her.

Jonathan explains that things are just as God wants. Pa runs up the last hill to where Laura is.

Even Edwards is losing it in the background. During the reunion, Jonathan disappeared. The only trace of him is the sturdy shelter he's constructed on the mountaintop and the cross he made, which lead Pa to Laura.